When you go to a deeply wounded place for self-healing, you're in for one hell of a shock. The shock of encountering how truly and utterly lost you are.
How to survive in the desert without sunblock? How to know where the desert ends and the road re-appears? The road you've moved so far from. How to know when enough's enough?
I am a helpless baby now. But unlike a real baby--a tabula rasa brand-new human (except for the fatefulness of DNA), I have lost things that are essential to my survival, namely: loss of trust in people, loss of faith, suspicion, anxiety and unending fear of a life that's gone off the rails. I'm told by some who've been through this, that this is the best part--albeit in hindsight. In the present, it feels like constant nausea and night sweats. This is the part where a tipping point is presented. One can move ever further into darkness, keep exploring, seeking, roaming. Or. . . I don't know what. Nothing good. Nothing healthy. Something like settling on the couch with a jumbo bag of chips and a big, fat boyfriend who can't climb a hill anymore without getting heart palpitations.
Did I mention the thing that's gone missing that hurts most of all, the loss of which causes me much dysfunction? That causes me to walk into walls, or get my computer chord caught on someone's shoe? It's my faith and trust in myself. This leaves me pretty fucked-up most of the time. As well, I spend a lot of energy hiding that fact, which is also exhausting.
It's time to step into the void, the one I came here to fill. I'm holding on for dear life to the last ledge.